WaY to Go, paraLLEL-me!

i've often heard that we all have a "twin" in this world.  another "me", male or female, would be a great!  an extra pair of hands in the kitchen is always nice!  because "i", er... should i say "i-i" ...er maybe just "we", haven't, theoretically, found this so-called twin of mine, are born under the sign of gemini, the sign of the twins, does that mean that there are four of me now...possibly?  four would be really great!  to cook for four is ideal for "i-me" and after "i-me" and "i-us" cook dinner for "i-we", then "i-they" can finish doing the dishes and clean up the kitchen so that "i-we" can sit down and play a game!  "i-we" love to play games!  what if "i-me" were, in fact, a twin?  real-life twins with a supposed other cosmic twin-selves somewhere out there in the real world.  "i-me-us" becomes "i-me-us-we".  well, if that were the case, and if my math serves me correctly, "i-me-us-we" add up to 8 and that's when "i-me" would as my real-life twin to make dinner reservations cuz "i-me" just don't have the time, space or bank account to cook for 7 ME-Other-We's!  MEOW!  ...and...WOW!  after all of that, i think it best for the world that my theoretical "i-me-us-we" be housed nice and neat here within little ole me!  JUST me! 

alas!  i digress which is easy to do because i have to deal with this "i-me-us-we" all the time.  many of us, if not all, have this "condition", or, one might simply say "chattering", of varying degree.  for me, it's a small social gathering inside my head at any given time of the day and is a state-of-mind that i've grown to embrace such that it is a state-of-BEING!  if one does not embrace their state-of-mind, then, i dare say, they would not be true to themselves and the "chatterers" within would be ignored, buried, sublimated.  and if not ignored, then maybe quite the opposite - they would "embrace" YOU causing friends and family to secretly discuss behind your back alternative options to the straight-jacket or shock-therapy! 

this morning, i gave this idea of having a twin somewhere out there, in a literal sense, some more thought.  moving into deeper, more hypothetical thoughts, questions and ideas, i fantasized about me and my twin in more cosmic or metaphysical terms of energy...for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction...a balance of yin and yang.  i thought, "ok, if i'm just waking up and it's morning, then my twin is doing the opposite.  he is just starting to fall asleep."  diving deeper into thought, i then again asked myself, "what is he, my twin, doing?  the opposite of what i'm doing...but what does that mean, exactly?"  as my brain waves begin to buzz, i entertained the thought that he was, perhaps, on the other end of "brain wave buzz"...on the verge if a deep sleep or REM or whatever.  then i thought, "well, what if he IS real and he IS experiencing the EXACT OPPOSITE or near to it that which i am experiencing?"

• i'm eating breakfast; he's eating dinner
• i feel a little chilled and turn on the heater; he's hot and taking off his coat
• i am, at this moment, in my house and by myself; i'd suppose he's out and about with a friend

• i've got a big "to-do" list for today; he's gotten things done and doesn't have a "to do" list

pretty simple, straight-forward i suppose.  soon, i began to ponder about more complicated aspects of my life versus the simplistic dichotomous relationships of "am i with someone or alone? am i at home or not?  do i feel tired or wired?" and so on.  when thinking about more faceted aspects of my life and how and in what ways my life has changed in just the past couple of years, i discovered something rather interesting and, ultimately, quite self-empowering.  what i discovered wasn't really anything that i didn't know already.  what i discovered was a different aspect of looking at that which i already knew, thereby adding a new little wrinkle to the gray-matter. 

• i'm stressed out about money; my theoretical, real-life twin, has financial freedom
• i'm at work; he's on vacation
• i'm anticipating a change of residence; he's quite settled
• i've not been working out; he's hitting the gym 3 times per week and looking great
• my SUV is dirty and needs a check-/tune-up; his BMW -sparkling clean, in perfect running order
• i've neglected relationships - his friends/family are well-informed of things happening in his life and he is an active participant in theirs
• i've not afforded new clothing - my jeans, t-shirts, shoes, etc are either worn out, old, tattered, stained, "holy"...

well, at that point, i was getting pretty upset with.my twin...wherever he is.  his life reflected the opposite of mine.  he wasn't thinking about me!  he didn't care about where i was!  he wasn't upset about anything!  no!  no!  in my mind, he had it made.  in his mind, he had it made as well but the thought of some "twin" out there (ME!) wasn't on his mind not in the slightest.  as i gave him more thought, he gave me less.  as i began to have a pity-party, he began to party it up and have a great time!  that bastard!  he has taken over the life that i used to have!  i used to have all my friends and family near me or within a short drive.  i used to be in love.  i used to have more money in the bank.  i used to have a home.  i used to have a shiny BMW.  i used to have more than enough food in the fridge and cupboards.  that son-of-a-bitch!  then i thought, "well, if that be true, what have i been doing lately in my life that i feel good about? what is it in my life that i have plenty of....no, an abundance of... such that it would, in terms of opposites, most assuredly torture this parallel-me-jerk! 

A-HA!  i've got it!"  and so i performed that exercise rather extensively because it was pay-back time for parallel-me. 

and so it took on this competitive-kind of relationship.  all my life i've been in competitions for all kinds of things.  but these competitions were me against the other piano players or singers.  it was me and my soccer team against the other team.  it was me and other neighborhood kids in a game of hide-n-seek.  it was never me against me.  i mean, i guess you could say on some level i've acknowledged the competitions with myself in that i would always strive to be better, faster, smarter, funnier, etc.  but to think about it in a way where i am competiting, literally, with another me.  parallel-me really does exist.  and parallel-me doesn't strive to achieve on his own reagardless of what it is that i am trying to achieve.  parallel-me automatically gets the opposite of what i am , what i can't do, what i don't have.  when you look at this relationship with yourself as a separate entity that is you but not you, it makes your brain go sideways and you're able to see YOU much differently.  you might say this, simply put, is taking responsibility for your life.  you might say this is a heightened level of awareness where you can detach yourself from ego and see yourself as something you either like, don't like, want to be like or not, etc.  suddenly, all the things and ways my life has changed that i'm not so fond of become not just things that are different in my life but rather things that i allowed to change in my life and those things now are enjoyed by parallel-me and all by default!  i say, "well, tough parallel-me!  you don't just get all that i used to have just by default....just because of this silly idea of yin and yang...of balance...of whatever.  forget it!  if that's the way you want to play, then...GAME ON!  if that's all it is...a balancing act then, hell, i can give it a go!"

and so what i don't have, what i've lost, what i miss, really it's all still there...my "cosmic twin" or "parallel me" has it.  so rather than saying, "life is a stage" or "i am the captain of my ship" or "carpe diem", i'm saying "i want it!  you can't have it!"  not to be mean to my twin. no, not at all.  i think there is enough "good stuff" to go around for all of us.  is there such thing as having, giving, receiving too much love?  is it wrong to feel and act overly-generous, be "selfish" to the point of filling oneself up such that giving to others is not done out of guilt or take on feelings of regret?  alas, i digress...

well, all that aside, point is i'm taking back my life as i once knew it...cuz it is my life.  my life has been blessed with so many good things and, strange to say, i almost feel "guilty" for having such an amazingly wonderful life full of so many good times, great friends, a loving family, many opportunities and experiences that have made me such a well-rounded individual...at least in terms of this world and its standards as to what that means.  would i be more "well-rounded" if i'd experienced homelessness?  a debilitating disease?  mental incapacities?  lower standard of living?  even having not experienced some of these things, i have a great sense of empathy for people less fortunate...which, who's to say, is truly "less fortunate"?  maybe they're just pleased as punch as to where they are.  we've all seen the amazing spirit of children afflicted with cancer.  they're larger than life!  they're an inspiration!  my friend, some years ago, attended CAL as a graduate student.  in his class was a parapalegic!  he didn't communicate the same way we do with all of our big, fancy words. but, according to my friend, this individual, who, 50 years ago would've been labled "inferior", "retarded", "a vegetable", "incapable" and put in a corner and mostly forgotten, was a friggin' genius!  and i think of others in society who have mental disorders, dictated by societal definitions.   like autism.  schizophrenia.  we say, "oh, no no...this person here...classic case of the cookoos!  totally schizo!"  who has the disability?  them?  why?  because they don't know how to function in "our" society?  suppose being schizoid was the norm.  would you get along well in this world as defined and created by schizoids? doubt it. as for me, i think we are all friggin' geniuses in our own way.  and should i ever take on more crazy-in-the-head characteristics akin to that which we label "paranoid schizophrenia" and the like, i won't be afraid of it but rather acknowledge it, embrace it, figure it out, deal with it, live with it, make it work for me and within the norms of social standards so that i'm not strapped up in a funny lookin white coat with lots of zippers and buckles.  but, alas, i digress again....